that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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