census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
