I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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