Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
