I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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