Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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