True but thats because hes a fetus.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
