Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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