THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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