I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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