She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
