I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
