Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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