My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
