i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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