Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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