I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
