Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
