so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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