im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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