Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
