I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
