I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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