i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
