Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
