i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
