i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
