Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize