just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize