dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
