Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We were destined to go to rehab together
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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