I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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