there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize