I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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