I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
