OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
