Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
