god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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