It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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