you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
