I swear she didn't look like that last week.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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