Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
