Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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