Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
