the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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