You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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