My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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