i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
