just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
