just tell him i said nine months
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
