I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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