a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
