great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
