Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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