ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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