New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
