What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
