Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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