Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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