you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
