Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i believe in u and ur pee
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
