some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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