I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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